In the confusions & the aftermath

dollyesque_x @ 2007-10-29T01:17:00

2007-10-29T01:19:46Z

New journal, guys; roadkillme_x

This one's getting deleted, methinks.

dollyesque_x @ 2007-10-19T01:22:00

2007-10-19T00:25:39Z

I'm a total spazzoid...
Cutting my lip off with crisps now, guyz.

I'm not sure what's caused it cause there's plenty for me to be annoyed with but nope... I'm in a better mood today. I like it.

Is it time I disappear.

2007-10-17T01:33:49Z

I'm feeling so damn lonely tonight.
I seem to be everyone's second choice for company. I'm only ever good enough when there's nobody left.
Am I just being paranoid? I thought so. Lately it seems more than true.

This song is making me sad, even more so. I don't know why but it's making me think about you. I miss you more than a little. You've been gone almost two years. It's horrible.

If you be my star I'll be your sky.

2007-10-13T22:23:34Z

I hope you decide to come home tonight...
I like waking up to you next to me.

Tighten your tie, boy. You're something to die for.

2007-10-09T00:07:47Z

Stop trying to ruin my life because you can't get on with your own you pathetic little prick!
Seriously, I don't know how I ever loved you.

I feel nothing but rage towards you.

________________________________________

I'm not feeling too great again these past few weeks.
I'm not healthy anymore, I know it.

Think I was blind before I met you.

2007-09-24T22:52:47Z

I don't like how this has just suddenly hit today.
I could barely stay awake up until about 6pm, now... I can't seem to switch myself off at all =/ and the glands in my throat are so swollen people have actually gone "WTF?!" out loud. My voice has totally gone too. FFS, Cermit the frog sounds healthier!

Kev spent his birthday alone because I felt too crappy to move. I'm a bad person.

Since I can't sleep, hopefully, large amounts of chocolate and watching The Land Before Time will cheer me up.

Yeah, you know that I'm no good.

2007-09-05T23:14:50Z

I'm happy in some ways and not so happy in others and something that's seriosuly making me unhappy is the way I look.
To look in a mirror makes me feel sick. I always look so plain 'n boring 'n I've put on a lot of weight. So plan A is to try to lose some weight again. Plan B is just to try to change completely... from the way I look to the way I've been acting.

Think I'd suit any of these? Opinions would be nice.

I've total shit to some people, taking my temper out when I shouldn't be because of someone and I'm sorry for that, really...

I'm glad I didn't die before I met you.

2007-08-24T10:53:40Z

I had the most amazing day with you yesterday =]
I haven't been this happy in a long time.

dollyesque_x @ 2007-08-15T13:58:00

2007-08-15T13:11:22Z

I haven't been this happy in a long time. I like it.
I miss muh Carriebean though&hearts;. I haven't seen her in a while. I miss her loads.

The perfect words never crossed my mind,
'cause there was nothing in there but you,
I felt every ounce of me screaming out,
But the sound was trapped deep in me,
All I wanted just sped right past me,
While I was rooted fast to the earth,
I could be stuck here for a thousand years,
Without your arms to drag me out,

There you are standing right in front of me
All this fear falls away to leave me naked,
Hold me close cause I need you to guide me to safety

No I won't wait forever

In the confusion and the aftermath,
You are my signal fire,
The only resolution and the only joy,
Is the faint spark of forgiveness in your eyes,

There you are standing right in front of me
All this fear falls away to leave me naked,
Hold me close cause I need you to guide me to safety,

There you are standing right in front of me
All this fear falls away to leave me naked,
Hold me close cause I need you to guide me to safety,

No I won't wait forever

dollyesque_x @ 2007-08-05T23:56:00

2007-08-05T23:00:26Z

Please forgive me
If I act alittle strange
For I know not what I do.
Feels like lightning running through my veins
Everytime I look at you
Everytime I look at you

Help me out here
All my words are falling short
And there's so much I want to say
Want to tell you just how good it feels
When you look at me that way
When you look at me that way

Throw a stone and watch the ripples flow
Moving out across the bay
Like a stone I fall into your eyes
Deep into some mystery
Deep into that mystery

I got half a mind to scream out loud
I got half a mind to die
So I won't ever have to lose you ~~girl~~
Won't ever have to say goodbye
I won't ever have to lie
Won't ever have to say goodbye

Yeah na na na na
Yeah na na na na

Please forgive me
If I act alittle strange
For I know not what I do
It's like my head is filled with lightning ~~girl~~
Everytime I look at you
Everytime I look at you
Everytime I look at you
Everytime I look at you

Heavy make-up don't cover these worn eyes.

2007-08-04T22:54:03Z

I got from Cornwall about 3 or 4 hours ago. I enjoyed being away, had a nice time and it gave me some time to clear my head and really think about things. I'm glad to be home though, tbh =] Even though I was only gone for a week, I still missed certain people. Carrie & Kev mainly.

In some ways I've got my life on track again, in other parts... not so much. Either way, this makes me a little happier than I have been.

Bricking these exam results... 3 days left.

And I've already told you that I'm willing to give us another shot but do us both a favour... Stop playing with my fucking head and leave out the emotional blackmail this time!

dollyesque_x @ 2007-07-19T02:12:00

2007-07-19T01:14:53Z

We did the right thing, didn't we?

Tbh, it does seem like it's for the best of us both. Even if it does sting a little.

If I could, then I would.

2007-07-08T21:27:48Z

Im in a bizarr mood today.

Couldn't go to work because I've been throwing up all day. Just generally feeling like crap. My health is going down the tubes again, I think. I've felt like this for a few days, it's just never came to anything til all the being sick action I've gotten today : [ Been a bit crap.

If I feel better tomorrow I'm going up to visit Kev which will be pretty braw, haven't seen him in a couple of weeks.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I feel the need to change again. Not who I am, obv. Cause that just doesn't work or last =[ but the way I look. I always look the same, no matter what I do.
Seriously considering dark hair again. Aye or naw? Maybe a fringe? Oh WTF, seriously. Why can't I make up my mind?

dollyesque_x @ 2007-07-05T14:30:00

2007-07-05T13:35:44Z

Now then Mardy Bum
I've seen your frown and it's like looking down the barrel of a gun
And it goes off
And out come all these words
Oh there's a very pleasant side to you
A side I much prefer

It's one that laughs and jokes around
Remember cuddles in the kitchen
Yeah, to get things off the ground
And it was up, up and away
Oh, but it's right hard to remember
That on a day like today when you're all argumentative
And you've got the face on

Well now then Mardy Bum
Oh I'm in trouble again, aren't I?
I thought as much
Cause you turned over there
Pulling that silent disappointment face
The one that I can't bear

Can't we laugh and joke around
Remember cuddles in the kitchen
Yeah, to get things off the ground
And it was up, up and away
Oh, but it's right hard to remember
That on a day like today when you're all argumentative
And you've got the face on

Yeah I'm sorry I was late
But I missed the train
And then the traffic was a state
And I can't be arsed to carry on in this debate
That reoccurs ,oh when you say I don't care
But of course I do, yeah I clearly do!

So laugh and joke around
Remember cuddles in the kitchen
Yeah, to get things off the ground
And it was up, up and away
Still it's right hard to remember
That on a day like today when you're all argumentative
And you've got the face on

I know that I should let go but I can't.

2007-07-05T00:45:38Z

I didn't think even you could be that cruel. We fight so fucking much, it's becoming a joke. I came so close to hating you earlier and it scared me, now that I've had time to think about it, I'm past caring what happens to us, tbh! You treat me/talk to me like I'm worth nothing but shit and I hate it I just wish I actually had the stones to tell you.

Keep the world outside.

2007-06-26T22:58:49Z

Tbh, I'm a bit bored with life just now.

Although, I had a rather nice day on Monday :]

dollyesque_x @ 2007-06-22T23:10:00

2007-06-22T22:12:04Z

God, I'm fed up. A bit lonely too.

dollyesque_x @ 2007-06-16T15:15:00

2007-06-16T14:19:30Z

The perfect words never crossed my mind,
'cause there was nothing in there but you,
I felt every ounce of me screaming out,
But the sound was trapped deep in me,
All I wanted just sped right past me,
While I was rooted fast to the earth,
I could be stuck here for a thousand years,
Without your arms to drag me out

There you are standing right in front of me
There you are standing right in front of me
All this fear falls away to leave me naked,
Hold me close cause I need you to guide me to safety

No I won't wait forever
No I won't wait forever

In the confusion and the aftermath,
You are my signal fire,
The only resolution and the only joy,
Is the faint spark of forgiveness in your eyes

There you are standing right in front of me
There you are standing right in front of me
All this fear falls away to leave me naked,
Hold me close cause I need you to guide me to safety

There you are standing right in front of me
There you are standing right in front of me
All this fear falls away to leave me naked,
Hold me close cause I need you to guide me to safety

No I won't wait forever
No I won't wait forever
No I won't wait forever

Let me put you in the magic position, darling.

2007-06-16T00:04:58Z

Prom was a bit too good :]]
Definately the happiest I've been in weeks. Had an amazing time... I really do have the most wonderful friends.

<3

A cog in the murder machine.

2007-06-13T01:07:03Z

I can't believe how scared I was tonight. You almost found us out. My stomache wretched and I felt sick when I thought that I might loose you. You made that silly joke and for a second I could've swore blind that you knew but now, obviously not. It's made me realise just how much I love you and also how I don't really deserve to have you in my life.

"My finger tips are holding onto the cracks in our foundation, and I know that I should let go, but I can't."

I can't believe you kissed me. I don't believe that I let you, again. What the fuck is my problem?

You're the reason why I burst and why I bloom.

2007-06-08T00:48:01Z

What the fuck is wrong with me? All I do is sit up at night, thinking about you and crying.
God, I'm such a loser.

I miss you so much.

You are my sweetest downfall.

2007-06-04T01:25:11Z

I've had an amazing day with you.

I don't regret it and to be honest I don't feel guilty either, it's just that a part of me doesn't want to admit that I've fallen for you.
I wish you knew just how much you mean to me.

Wondering why we bother at all.

2007-04-19T17:05:32Z

I know you love me. You tell me all the time but it's not enough. You're never here. You're always deserting me for someone else && when there is no-one else then you'll come to me && I'm an idiot because I let you. I'm the ass hole that sits around && waits for you. I love you but I've had enough! I just want you for once in your life to say you'll be here && mean it.

I'm sick of being a door mat for people but who am I kidding, I wont do anything to change it. I'm too much of a coward.

I spent all night trying to chase your satellite.

2007-04-13T13:52:52Z

Lonely wee bastard, so I am =[

I passed up the bottle. It's your turn now.

2007-01-25T20:45:59Z

Haven't been up to much.

I've had a fairly good day. Although, I'm getting annoyed with Knox. I spent my whole lunch break in his classroom working on my Design unit, he said he would help me with a few things that need fixing. Yet again, did he show up? NO!

I'm quite proud of myself at this moment in time. Just back from fat class [Scottish Slimmers] && I've lost 6lbs =]]

Aye, I'm bored.

Goodnight. x